Oh, the Humanity!

The strange results when politicians try to act like real people by Nora Zelevansky


At an infamous 1965 press conference, post-gallbladder surgery, President Lyndon B. Johnson lifted his shirt, revealed a sizeable scar and—literally—exposed himself to scrutiny. With plummeting popularity due to Vietnam War policies, LBJ mistakenly put his vulnerability on parade. Soon, satirical comics depicted the scar in the shape of Vietnam, as even supporters echoed the prevailing sentiment, “Good thing the scar wasn’t on his ass.”

In an age where YouTube and Perez Hilton are primary sources of information, and The Real World is considered “classic” TV, intimate knowledge of politicians’ private lives is commonplace. But what Americans don’t want to see is vulnerability, or his or her ass. At the first sign of weakness, the pack descends like rabid coyotes (i.e. Howard Dean’s demise). Ultimately, “presidential” always trumps “fallible.”

For John Kerry and Al Gore, a stony lack of accessibility was the kiss of death (coupled with election fraud), while George W. Bush’s “folksy” vernacular endeared myriad voters. So, maybe charisma is a necessary evil, but not at the expense of credibility. Political advisers seem to play Frankenstein, recklessly cultivating accessibility and humanity. 

As David Chalian, Political Director of ABC News, asserts, “The humanizing thing is an ongoing balance these candidates need to strike. [Certain] attempts backfire because they immediately appear inauthentic.” In the face of criticism or scandal, politicians often go to over-compensatory lengths, bungling opportunities to garner favor, pushing relatable into the realm of the absurd.

 

Wanted: Hilary Clinton
Crime: Canned laughter.
Motive:  Criticized for her cold demeanor, the first potential female president forces laughter to deflect awkward questions and a “ball busting” pigeonhole.
Fall Out: When Hilary Clinton laughed, the world laughed at her, not with her.  Her almost identical performances on the morning pundit parade were undercut by questionably authentic guffaws.  Though some interpreted heavy focus on her “cackles” and “giggles” as sexist, the story was covered by The New Yorker, The New York Times and The Daily Show, who released an almost maniacal montage.

 

 

 

 

 

Wanted: Rudy Giuliani
Crime: Cell out.
Motive: Having completely abandoned old platforms (and integrity) for the sake of winning an election, Giuliani glossed over his sordid past with the National Rifle Association. Posing as “family guy,” he imagined that referencing his “ball and chain” would give these good ole’ boys amnesia about previous opposition. What gun control? What affair? What $1,000 charge to New York City from the Utopia Lifestyle Inn?
Fall Out:  When Giuliani exercised his right to roll calls, chatting up his wife during an N.R.A. speaking engagement, campaign advisors claimed ignorance and happenstance.  Actually, the former mayor used this rehearsed “cute” tactic before. Maybe if Giuliani loses, he can do Verizon commercials á la Bob Dole’s Viagra campaign. “Can you hear me now?”

 
 

 

 
Wanted: John Edwards
Crime: Et Tu, Brute? Phone Home.
Motive: Third place doesn’t win the race.
Fall Out:  An interview with Esquire documented Edwards publicly—albeit not during a speech—picking up his wife’s call and cooing that he’d ring her back. If only he could win by a hair.


 

 

 

 

Wanted: Larry Craig
Crime: Doth Protest Too Much.
Motive: As if his fervent anti-gay platform wasn’t beard enough, Idaho’s Republican Senator (Mitt Romney’s former campaign co-chair) disputes rumors of his homosexuality, including complaints from a college frat brother, come-ons cited in 1982’s Congressional Page Scandal, recent incidents in an infamously cruised airport bathroom and more.
Fall Out: After his wife-assisted Matt Lauer interview, in which Craig referred to himself in third person, debated empty vs. occupied bathroom stall etiquette, admitted to keeping the incident from his family and dignified questions like “Is it possible that you’re bisexual?”, everyone still thinks he’s gay—and now creepy to boot.

 

 
 

 

Wanted: David Vitter
Crime: Squeaky Clean.
Motive: When his association with “The D.C. Madam” broke, the Republican “family values” Senator (and Guiliani supporter) issued God-related apologies to elicit sympathy and blamed intentional smears by dirty political foes.
Fall Out:  Vitter’s affinity for prostitutes may have been maliciously exposed, but his indignant statements only prompted Wendy Ellis, a prostitute in New Orleans, to share sexual details, including the fact that he showered twice during an encounter and had “no weird fetishes.” Thanks, Wendy, for cleaning up his rep.


 

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