DAME’s Friendkeeper gives advice about a perceived betrayal, and lays out what needs to be discussed before traveling with friends.
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Dear Julie,
My wife and I just returned from a snowboarding trip with another couple, some relatively new but good friends of ours. The kind you have over for dinner pretty regularly, decide you really like a lot, and think they’d be fun to spend a long weekend with. Except, we did spend a long weekend with them and they were kind of awful. Or, at least, not nearly as fun and cool as the women they are during shorter periods of time. They automatically chose the bigger, nicer room in the cabin we rented and were kind of difficult when it came to splitting the cost of the rental and the food and everything. But what bugged us most is that they wanted to spend so much of the days napping, or reading, or sitting around the house when we specifically picked our vacation spot because of all the great things to do around it. We ended up doing much of those activities on our own. Did we catch them at a bad time? Was this the real them? When we have them over for pizza and beers or whatever, they seem so easygoing and down for anything. But now we’re a little loathe to have them over as much, seeing as our mini vacation together was less than stellar, and it seems they’re not quite the people we thought they were. They, however, seemed to have had a great time, because they’ve already suggested we take another trip this summer. What’s a girl to do?
Wary Weekend Warrior
Dear WWW,
Traveling with friends is like going from casually dating someone to moving in with them. It’s just a whole different animal. And in some ways you just can’t know how it will be until you do it. Was it the real them? Well yes, but maybe not the whole them—just the traveling them. Being compatible with someone on a day to day doesn’t mean you’ll do well sharing a house with them. I think what you need to do if you travel with friends is ask what they want to get out of their trip. Do they want to sightsee? Hike? Lay on a beach? Do they go into a museum exhibit and stare at each painting so long you want to blow your brains out and then you have to wait for an hour in the gift shop? Are they shopaholics? Also, with the financial issue, do they have a budget and if so, does it mesh with yours? I would say for sure you don’t want to travel with these friends again. (I’m not surprised they want another trip with you; they did just what they wanted and got the nicer room!) It’s just that vacations for most of us are few and far between and it’s a much bigger deal if they go south than if you have a bad pizza night.
xx Julie
Dear Julie,
I’ve been holding a torch for a male friend of mine for a number of years. When we met we were both in relationships and by the time we were both single, he had moved to the other side of the country. But there’s always been an undeniable chemistry and we’ve always kept in touch. And all of my friends are acutely aware of the massive crush I have. We are both recently single and have taken up talking again. But this isn’t a dating question. I recently found out that one of my best friends slept with him. Granted, it happened a long time ago, but I didn’t find out from him or her, but from another mutual friend. In fact, looking back, it seems like my best friend went to great pains to not tell me. It seems like such old news (she’s married now and probably hasn’t talked to him in ages), but the wound feels so fresh. Is there a statute of limitations on calling out a friend for the messed up thing she did? I don’t think I want to confront her about it, but I don’t think I can pretend it didn’t happen, either. What should I do? I can’t help but wonder what else I haven’t been told.
In the Dark
Dear ItD,
I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that because she didn’t tell you about this that she has loads of dark secrets she’s kept from you. And while I believe your feelings are your feelings and no one can say they’re wrong, I’m not so sure you have much to say about this (others may disagree but let them write their own column). If I’m getting the story, you were not available at the same time as him, so when this offense occurred you weren’t in pursuit of each other. It’s kind of tricky, but there isn’t a ton of ownership in crushes. If there were, then Mark Ruffalo would not be living with that hussy he’s called a wife for the past 15 years. Anyway, I think there is more than enough water under the bridge that if you are feeling compelled to talk about it you can do it in a very non-confrontational way. Though I’m thinking she’s going to wonder about the motive of the friend who told you and frankly I wonder, too. There’s not a statute of limitations on anything that bothers you and if it feels better to get it off your chest, you should. Just know there’s a possibility that her answer may not make either of you feel any better.
xx Julie
Got a platonic problem of your own that could use the Friendkeeper’s advice? Fire away: askjulie@damemagazine.com. No situation is too uncomfortable or too small and all details are kept confidential.